By Sadho Ram
I’ve got to give her space. I’ve got to. I’ve become way too needy. I need her all the time. I’m overwhelmed with a feeling these days that I need to spend all my time only with her. And in my need I became so blind that I forgot that my “I-need-you-every-second-of-my-life” request is taking a toll on her, emotionally as well as physically. She is losing her calm, her sanity and her sense of self. All because of my stupidity in which I am felling miserably and falling out of her eyes.
She has a lot to deal with in her already chaotic life and on top of that I add up more chaos instead of reducing her exhaustion by being there as a source of comfort whenever she can take little time out for herself and wishes it to spend with me. I’m giving her more worries than she ever had. I’m causing her to breakdown every now and then.
I do not know why I’ve forgotten that she has gone through a lot and is still going through a hell a lot. I used to be her source of comfort in whom she would confide her world and go to sleep peacefully. But off late all I’ve become is just a miserable man who interrogates her on her every sentence and questions her for her every wish and desire. Judgemental. Overly judgemental. Yes, I’ve started judging her almost every breathe. Like a psycho.
I’ve got to let her breathe. I’ve got to let her smile. I’ve got to give her all that she thought she would find in me, and which she did, yes; she did find all those things in me, but only for a little while. Then I lost myself. I became something else. Something strange. Something very disturbing and disturbed. But I’ve got to give her a chance. I’ve got to get back and once again give her the things that she has lost in me. I’ve got to.
I will. It’s not easy though, to just realise that the train has lost its main track and then instantly get it back on track. I know it will take its own time, but I’ve got to give myself completely. I’ve got to put myself as I was when she met me. When she used to find freshness in me and my thoughts. When I use to make her feel alive. When my passion for life would make her smile. I’ve got to give all that back to her, once again. And this time for a long, long time. Very long.
I love her. Period. I’m indeed in love with her insanely. And I know within that its growing. But in my insaneness for her, I’m forcing her to lose her own mind. And a person can only take so much. I know her because she has let me in. And I can say this with surety that no one else has ever been there where she has let me in. But am I valuing it? I can’t say for sure that I’m. But I’ve got to. And I will.
I’ve got to stop myself from becoming a monstrous disease which slowly in its neediness eats away the very source of life on which it has attached itself. I’ve got to stop eating her from inside. I’ve got to give her life. I’ve got to let her breathe. I’ve got to let her breathe. I’ve got to.
I though don’t know for sure that how long it will take me to get back to what I was and in whom she found her joy. But I know for sure that from now on I’ve got to try. I’ve got to try. Because I can’t live in peace knowing that I make her cry. So, I’ve got to try. I’ve got to try.
...I’ve got to let her breathe. I’ve got to let her smile. I’ve got to be happy to be able to give her joy. I’ve got to...