Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Confessions Of A Vile Mind [Part 1]

By Sadho Ram

We all want love but love, as it happens, is the most beautiful of things and purest of emotion; and only the most beautiful of person deserve it. Because no one else can truly appreciate it.

I couldn't. I, as far as my opinion about myself is concerned, am among those vile people, who has a tendency to ruin lives and relationships (be it of any kind). I am one of those people who use people without much consideration.

Playing with the emotions of those who care about me, love me, support me, regardless of my condition, is one of my main trait. I devalue them, their love and everything else that they offer me. What's worse is that in the end of it I make them feel worse about themselves. As if everything that's wrong, is not with me but with them. As if it's them who are at fault and I am the holy one.

I have and still live my life on ways I know will cause hurt to the rare few ones who think and wish well of me.

It's not that I enjoy all this, it's not as if I receive some kind of fun out of all this. No. I despise myself. The kind of low I think of about myself, no one can ever do, even after completely knowing me. I hurt daily inside. And on some days (especially nights) the hurt is so strong and overwhelming, that I find it hard to be calm.

I cry. I shout and yell at myself. Hit, punch, bang my head on the walls.. just so that the pain of me physically hurting myself will make me forget the searing heartache I am experiencing. But no, nothing of that sort happens, and I continue to burn in my own flame of treachery and hypocrisy till my mind cannot take it anymore, and I fall like a dead meat on my bed. Only to wake up with my heart as heavy as if someone has wrapped it along with a big stone.

I live my life hurting from the immense hurt and misery I've caused others, especially to those who took me as I was and still am and probably will always be!