A Comment On How We Make Anything A Norm In This Society

By Sadho Ram

Sexist representation of women is not something that is new. In fact it's so widely and regularly done, that most of the times we don't perceive it as sexist. And when we do, we either try to ignore it or simply shrug it off as 'it goes' attitude (and for those who object, we tell them to have a sense of humour).

You see, that's the thing about how such things -- things that never should have happened in the first place -- become a norm in the eyes of the society.

Every sexist representation of women that -- we accept, ignore, shrug off OR lecture others to have a sense of humour about -- only adds to the norm. It only, each time with more authority, establishes it as something that's not wrong, something that's cool and something that is not happening, because that's what every sexist representation of women tries to prove.

And, it won't stop. Because, thanks to each one of us, sexism has indeed been made to appear as if it doesn't happen anymore. Or so it seems.

And that's how you make a norm.

Absurd but an Absolute Truth!

By Sadho Ram

Out of many absolutes, there is one absolute truth whose absoluteness can’t be denied, but then its absoluteness is also not accepted, it’s hanging in the middle, in the open thin air, without any support, not because it needs any, but solely because of the same reason that it doesn’t need any.

Yes, a truth can survive on its own without any support of any kind except the conviction of the living being born with the ability to think who has the honesty to accept it as it is.

It’s an absurd kind but then its absurdity is what which makes it absolute in its nature.

That – in this world – it’s not the men, no matter what, who get used, it’s the women. One way or the other, whether physical or emotional, out of choice or due to circumstances, it’s always the women. It has been women, it is women and, I say it without any vested interest or hidden motive, that it will be women.

And that is one truth men don’t want to accept and women don’t want to believe. Not because they don’t really want to, but because they lack what it takes to accept a truth and what it also takes to believe a reality. I’m not going to put that word here. Because I know it won’t mean anything to those who know nothing about it and nor do they care do know anything about it. This is one word I know that have been used just as like women all over the world have been and are being used.

But I know a few rare living being born with the ability to think who has the honesty to accept things as they are and not put label on them with a veiled interest or motive of any kind. And they are the ones who have kept the truth, of any kind, alive still.

At times, I’ve wondered, with great amount of a grief unknown to me and an undirected compassion towards anyone, as to why we – the human being – who were supposed to be the most virtues have turned out to be nothing but a mere bunch of vultures eyeing to feed ourselves and our hunger on others weakness and their circumstantial need for us? Why? But never, not once, I’ve come to any rational conclusion of any kind anywhere.

Sigh.

And I don’t think that I will ever reach to any rational conclusion ever over this. But that won’t take away what is there, the truth – the absolute, absurd truth – that the one’s getting used are not men but women. And not just in the hands of men but also in the hands of women.

Why, Just Because I'm A Woman?

By Sadho Ram

Just because I don't mourn like you,

O' Untamed World,

You think I have no sorrow and have no grief?
Just because I am a Woman,

Hiding my tears and keeping a smile on my face;

A smile so serene, a smile so quite,

A smile so full of pain, a smile so awfully white,

A smile which is raped

Why, Just because I am a Women?

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A woman in our “self-centred, orthodox-ion and full of jungle laws”, which we so fondly call “society”, is like a tool. Tool of mass pleasure, of nationwide teasing, of taking the nation on top of the chart by increasing the already uncontrolled population, and if she is married, then she becomes the ultimate tool of household cleansing and a toy carved out of card-box, which then is being used by the member of the family as per their requirements.

About woman, one thinks that one can ‘make use’ of her as one wishes to. And the sad part is that, they actually are also able to do so. Therefore, several hundred thousand women trapped in our “orthodox-ion jungle” are forced to endure atrocities of several kinds, and that too, on a daily-wages like basis.

Now atrocity, as per the definition of dictionaries, is ‘the quality or state of being atrocious’ in other terms ‘an extremely cruel act or a horrid act of injustice.’

Some might say that this basically falls into the physical torture ‘category’ and to prove themselves right they will dig up stats and arguments in favour of it from long dead books and Vedas, though I personally have serious problems with such kind of people and thus, I also possess an extreme form of hatred for these people who also like to call themselves the “follower/builder of real society.”

But that’s not the main issue what this ‘critique’ talks about. The issue here is that there’s no ‘category’ for any crime which is being executed against the women in this “orthodox-ion jungle” of our and atrocity, too, is not just limited to the definition so profoundly provided by the man-made dictionaries.

Now, I will not further argue or write anything what I personally think about it, but will share a real story and let you people decide if what she is forced to endure should be termed as atrocity or just another act of some random violence defined by the books and Vedas.

Sunita is a 22 year old woman (though at this age she should basically be called a girl but as she got married about a year ago and is now on the verge of having her first child, so the ‘tag’ woman suits her best). She lives in a small village in Bihar state.

She was 12, when her mother was killed by their own blood relatives over property issue and she became the object of pity for everyone around her. And losing her mother at such small age, left her devoid of right guidance in her life, but before anything worse could happen, her late mother’s mother came to her rescue and adopted her, because after 4 years of her mother’s death, her father, who was the Mukhiya of the village, was also killed over political issues.

The loss of both her parents made her extremely weak from inside but, she for reasons best known to her, never showed any signs of it nor did she complained about life being unfair to her. Her granny, the one who adopted her, got her enrolled at Saraswati Shishu Mandir, a school part of the school groups run by the RSS, so that she could at least have an education every girl requires for her own betterment in our society.

After she completed her board exams with relatively good results, she was forced to sit at home by other members of that family to which she now belonged to, though it was done only by considering the raising rate of rape cases happening around the village and so she didn’t argue with them over the issue, but she continued to study own her own. Gaining whatever knowledge that she could get from used books, she found at the house.

4 years went by; she learned and mastered many tasks which would help her in later part of her life, tasks like – Computing, Stitching, Weaving, and Cooking, embroidering, Painting and many other such things. These things helped her keep herself busy in her rather empty life and so, she often found her lost happiness whenever she indulged herself in them.

But in these 4 years, she had also grown up, signs of girlhood were splattered all over her, and thus, proposals of marriages started coming up. She kept rejecting them one by one (a very rare phenomenon in the life of a women in our society) as she wanted more out of life, she deeply wanted to study in college for higher education but this was not in her hands.

After almost rejecting dozens of marriage proposals for several reasons, she finally agreed to the one which came in the year 2008. The guy was very rich businessmen and was good looking too. She liked him at first sight itself and so decided to break her chain of rejection. The family too, was glad that finally their girl has agreed to settle down and now will have her own family.

After about a week, she got engaged and after a year, in the end of 2009 she got married to Amit. And just like it was supposed to seem, everything indeed seemed perfect at the start. She was showered with all kinds of gifts and was fed her favourite dishes. But, but… the term ‘perfectness’ actually is a myth, and this she found out when she lost her Granny, who happily passed away a month after. Now when she was ones again an orphan, with basically on one to ask for her from her mother-side of family, Sunita’s mother-in-law started showing her true colours.

But Sunita, at first, did not think otherwise, as she was previously taught by her granny that, after a girl gets married she has to listen to what her mother-in-law says. But when she realised that her keeping silent over no fault of hers will eventually lead to bigger problems, she, being an outspoken girl, started voicing out her displeasures.

Now the main thing:

As of today, she is in her 7 month of pregnancy and her health has also fallen down due to continuous household work that she has to do in absence of a maid, which her mother-in-law refuses to keep. Her part of argument is that –

“If I’ve to hire a maid to do my household work then why did I marry my son to this girl?”

Last I heard about Sunita’s condition, she is burning with fever, her legs are swollen, she has cough and her eye sight has gone extremely weak due to negligence of her current family, yet she is forced to cook for the entire family, feed them one by one in their separate rooms, clean the utensils, wash their clothes, and do other such numerable tasks.

Why?

Well, her mother-in-law won’t do it, saying –

“I’ve done enough, and if I continue to do the work, why did I marry my son to this girl?”

As a result, Sunita has gone into the saddest state of her life, not knowing what to do and how to do, though unlike other women who faces same situation in their own life, she keeps raising her voice but with time her courage is giving up. The atrocities (yes, there’s no other words which could define this act of treatment) have finally taken a toll over her and she, just like what other women say, says –

“It doesn’t matter now, it’s all part of my life and I’ll have to live with it.”

I, therefore, would not say anything on this issue. You all are the best judge, after all YOU have built this “Jungle” where insensitive animals dwell, and so YOU only will make it a place where, though still animals, but at least the sensible ones will dwell.

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Author’s Note: Due to reasons, the names of the persons and places have been changed to keep the identity of the real ones a secret. I, though, would like to know your views and ways to tackle such menace which has engulfed our “society.”

WHAT WOMEN WANT?

By Sadho Ram

Let me guess… a good life? A rich husband? A perfect man (the one with six pack abs)? Happiness with lots of chocolates? Nail-polish maybe?

Hmm…

Well, I’ve known a lot of women in my life, like for example… my mom, my sister, my girlfriend, HER girlfriend (Yes, after one full year of dating her I came to know that she ALSO likes women). After this incident I often wonder that… do I really know women?

I mean it’s not tough considering men and women happen to be made of same organic materials but it ain’t any easy task to do (to know WHAT WOMEN WANT).

Their chromosome and our chromosome do not really match.

My girlfriend… she use to say that –

‘You know, Sadho, I like you a lot, but… I donno why… I don’t WANT you’

I would then look into her eyes and look deep… deep enough to see if… only if I could somehow know what really she WANTS.

But as luck would have it… she used to close her eyes and I would miss out on the rarest of opportunity to know at least what one WOMAN WANT.

-Sigh-

But the case with my mother was different. I knew what she WANTED. But she never really got what she always WANTED.

When she was alive… all she WANTED was the love of her family… her husband, her kids and a few more people around her.

She did everything that a woman is supposed to do… sometime… she did even more, but love… ah, she never got this one thing, never.

My sister says she WANTS to see me happy. That’s so nice of her, that she thinks of me so dearly. She knows what I want but once again I have no clue as to what SHE WANTS?

A few village women I met last year while travelling to north, told me that all they WANT is that their husbands to stop drinking and beating them. They also said that they WANT to see their son become good man (not like their father).

But this is all they want for other people who are related to them in one-way or the other. What about themselves? I asked them… so one of them said, looking up in the sky, -

‘Humara kya hai, who khush toh hum khush’

And I could sense the substance in her voice (I am not suggesting that this is what she WANTED)… there was this pureness (of being a woman)… which said –

­‘She is the kind of woman who would gladly sacrifice for the happiness of her family… that family who doesn’t really give a damn about her happiness’

And that’s what my mother did.

Although it would be wrong to call it sacrifice, as she WANTED to live. She WANTED to see me grow young. She WANTED to listen to me speak in English (yes, this she WANTED very dearly). She WANTED to see her daughter get married. She WANTED to grow old with her husband. She WANTED the love of him… that love which she so desperately needed… in order to survive.

But none of it… absolutely none of it… she got.

A wife WANTS love of her husband. A daughter WANTS care of her mother and support of her father. A girl WANTS… well; she WANTS so many different things.

But do anyone ever wonders that WHAT DO THE WOMAN IN THEM WANTS?

Indira Gandhi WANTED to bring a revolution (though I don’t know of what kind).

But did she get it?

And Mona Lisa now probably WANTS the world to stop analysing her simple smile.

Will she get it?

The answer is… No.

WHAT WOMEN WANT is often not important to the world, because the world hardly give it to THEM!

There have been lots of cases… like the little girl in my colony, who comes to pickup rags daily, WANTS to go to school. But she never gets to do that.

My maid, whose husband is in jail (for raping another woman), WANTS the world to stop looking at her through her clothes and into her fair skin… as if she is for all to feast their thirsty eyes.

Last I heard about her… she tried to commit suicide.

Material want is always there, but does it fulfil her from within? It might for a while… but on a long run… the attraction of it… would just fade away.

So it’s not material pleasure that all she wants.

Well, I guess I’ve some rough ideas as to what she WANTS…

Light of the day with her family, Dark of the night with her man, Sundays with chocolate ice-creams, Mondays with another flavour, Small gossips with her friends, Bed tea from the hands of her husband, to be pampered when sad and to be loved when mad!

A walk in the rain with an old college friend, An hour in the park with her dog, to watch the sun rise while standing in the midst of mountains covered with fog!

There are many things that SHE WANTS more than the years she lives.

But she gets less than what SHE WANTS… less than the decades she lived.

And so no matter how much I (man) claim that I (man) know WHAT WOMEN WANT… seriously… I've (man have) no clue as to WHAT WOMEN WANT!

Is India Raising or Violence against Woman Raising In ‘Raising’ India!

By Sadho Ram

As you read this article, Sabitri, a 21 year old woman in Jharkhand’s Dhanbad city, has most probably succumbed to the unbearable pain caused by the injuries in her private parts given to her by the same man who happens to be the father of her 2 month old son – her husband – Sannimar Munda, a labourer.

Theirs was an arranged marriage. They had tied knot in the year 2007 and had been living a normal life together. But it only takes a moment to change the course of life and so it was a moment’s fury over a small quarrel between the husband and wife that changed everything for everyone related to it – the husband, the wife and the 2 month old son.

According to the news published in Times of India on 14^th of May, it so appears that – Sannimar Munda stitched the private parts of his wife – Sabitri – with wire after her request to visit her parents infuriated him.

Munda became angry when she said that she wanted to go to her parents’ home. He then charged her with having an extra-marital relationship.

Their quarrel took an inhuman turn when Munda tied her hands and legs and also gagged her by putting clothes in her mouth and started stitching her private parts with ‘steel wire’ (used for tightening fences and plaster bases created by iron rods). Still not satisfied by his horrible act, he then locked her up in a room and went out.

This is just one real life case of the atrocities that has been pouring upon the women in our civilised society in every part, corner and centre of today’s ‘raising’ India.

Whatever happened to uprightness!

According to the survey report of National Family health Survey-3 (NFHS-3) more than 35 percent of women have experienced physical or sexual violence. And this figure (35%) transforms into millions of women who have suffered, and continue to endure the atrocities, at the hands of their husbands and other family members.

And it’s not just the married women who are under constant fear and live at the so called ‘kindnesses’ of their ‘man’ but also the never married ones, who endures both – physical and sexual violence.

What is even worse is that most of those women do not even speak up or seek help when they are abused, and to top it all majority of women (54% to be precise) and men (51%) from our sensible society say that a husband is very much justified in beating his wife.

Sense, it seems, has been stitched and locked up inside a coffin to suffer and die (Just like our Sabitri).

And though, Sabitri had managed to escape from the room and somehow reached at her parents’ house. Her parents then took her to the ‘Patliputra Medical College and Hospital’ in Dhanbad and later logged a complaint against Munda. Police have registered First Information Report (FIR) against him on charges including attempt to murder, he has been hiding since then.

But who is going to help escape the “stitched and locked up sense” from the coffin and lodge a complaint against the millions and millions of those who are responsible for its miserable state along with the tortured women of our society?

Who?

Below is a small list of acts which falls under the category of Physical, Sexual and Emotional Violence against Women:

Physical Violence: Pushing, Shaking, Throwing something at her, Slapping, Arm twisting, Hair Pulling, Punching, Kicking, Dragging, Beating, Trying to choke or burn her on purpose, and threatening her or attacking her with a weapon.

Sexual Violence: Physically forcing the wife against her will to have sex or perform other sexual acts that she did not want to perform.

Emotional Violence: Saying or doing something to humiliate her in front of others, threatening to hurt or harm her or someone close to her, Insulting her or making her feel bad about herself.

The article also appears in an online newspaper YOUTH KI AWAAZ